What happens when you hit the wall at the same time that you get a hurricane and it's the 4th of July...

Well, you end up spending the day finally digging your way out of the mess that is your house, alternately yelling and stomping at everyone around you…
then you feel like you're going to collapse from exhaustion…
then you feel guilty for not doing a single thing with your kids to celebrate Independence Day…
then you just drink wine to make the edges fuzzy.
I'm battling epic exhaustion from lack of sleep, frustration at the kids for selective hearing, irritation at life for my food allergy battles, burnout from homeschooling and finally…annoyance that I haven't done a better job training my entire family to work together more diligently so I DON'T FEEL LIKE A FREAKING MAID/BUTLER/CHAUFFEUR/SOCIAL DIRECTOR/SHORT ORDER COOK.
I am seriously so burned out at this point that I could sleep for a week.
And yes, I know how blessed I am to have FIVE healthy children.
Yes, I know how lucky I am to have such a fantastic husband.
Yes, I am aware that I am privileged to have a roof over my head and food on my table.
Yes, I know that all of the things I am frustrated over may seem trivial to some of you.
HOWEVER, they aren't trivial to me.  It's my life and sometimes I'm just SO tired…I know tomorrow is a new day and I'll (hopefully) be more rested and less cranky.
Until then?   More wine, more chocolate and, hopefully, MORE SLEEP.

I found this on an old Facebook page...

and it made me laugh…but it also reminded me of some of what I sort of "forgot" in the last 5 years…So, I'm republishing as a reminder!  LOL

1. I have 7 more tattoos than my husband and I would love to get more, but am not sure if I'm just too mommified. 

2. It drives my hubby crazy that I have more tattoos and he keeps insisting it's his turn. 

3. I always thought I'd have 3 kids, but for years said I'd get preggers with twins on #3. WELL GUESS WHAT... I was right! 

4. I knew on the first date that I would marry Charles and I told my Mom that the next day. Thank the Lord I was right, because I won the husband lottery! 

5. My favorite place to live, EVER, was Okinawa, Japan. I still miss it and my friends from there desperately. I think we all thought we'd be together forever. I love you, my Oki pals. 

6. I have the best siblings ever. We are a rockin' sibling unit and I can't imagine my life without their love and support. 

7. I have COOL parents. I actually love to party WITH them. 

8. I have not lived anywhere longer than 2 years and 11 months since I joined the Marine Corps. 

9. NO ONE thought I'd make it through Marine Corps bootcamp, let alone be really good at it. I showed them, good! Once a Marine, Always a Marine.

10. I'm so TYPE A that I alphabetize my spices, organize my closet by color, length, sleeves, etc..... I could go on and on, but if you look up TYPE A in the dictionary, you'll see my pic right next to Michelle's picture and Kristina's picture. 

11. It stresses me out to have to give my kids non organic food. And most of my family thinks it's crazy for me to be so anal about their food. My Dad fears my tree-huggerness. 

12. I use cloth diapers on 3 of my kids and NO I am not crazy. 

13. I've been singing for 23 years and I am still terrified of doing it in front of people. (Unless they are under 3 feet tall and still poop and pee in their pants.) 

14. I named my son after my great grandfather and my Dad. I think my Dad is the best and I wanted him to know it! 

15. I hate pantyhose and refuse to wear them, ever. Hell for me would be pantyhose and people that dress badly. 

16. I named my daughter Mercy because I believe I am blessed by the mercy of the Lord and my children are my testimony. 

17. I think UGGS are the best thing ever invented, even if they are obnoxiously ugly and I am sure I will be the only Mom in Jacksonville, NC who wears UGGS, give her kid organic food and uses cloth diapers. 

18. I get VERY upset when people mess with my family and close friends and have been known to be downright ugly about it. I AM very PROTECTIVE of the people I love. 

19. I have a blog about my family and it saves me from the hell of scrapbooking. Of course, my kids might be embarassed when they grow up, but oh well. That's my job! 

20. I still miss being in the Marine Corps sometimes. 

21. My friend Nicole and I talk in weird accents when we are on the phone and my sister and I call each other bizarre names. I guess growing up is still a ways off for me. 

22. I drive a minivan with leopard print floor mats. I am NOT a soccer mom, I'm a rockin' mom! 

23. I have a problem with shopping. Duh. 

24. I love to sew but never have time and patterns confuse the crap out of me. 

25. There are several years I don't remember. Thank you Jose Cuervo.

For tired young mothers of many...

like me.  I read this post and the waterworks just spewed forth...What a gift and a true reminder that although this too shall pass, please don't let it pass to quickly...Already my big girl double digits and my baby talks in sentences, my in betweens are changing every day and the years just race by at the speed of snuggles & laundry, meals and clean up, school and holidays.  Read & enjoy, my friends.  Slow down the race and enjoy the walk.
Click the link below & grab your tissues!

For tired young mothers of many

This is not what I had in mind for my last weekend of 2012...

the stupid, stinky, icky, shivery, stuffy, sinus killing, FLU.  

Last night my bloody teeth ached so badly that I could have sworn one of those annoying little keebler elves was wedged firmly in mouth with a tiny sledgehammer, wacking away...ah, the joys of intense SINUS pressure.  Thanks, little germ.  Apparently it's not enough that Charley spent 2 days throwing up, 3 days with a fever and 3 days sleeping half the day away...it's not enough that Mercy sounds like a 75 year old smoker in a tiny body...it's not enough that poor Sammy puked up his entire breakfast on me yesterday... STUPID LITTLE GERM.   

Here's my toast to the New Year.  

GO AWAY LITTLE GREEN GERM.  

I love rainy Saturdays...

or any rainy day at all. Now and forever.

Most people think Southern California has perfect weather...

sunny...

70 - 80 degrees...

dry....

no rain...

NO RAIN...

no thunderstorms...

NO THUNDERSTORMS...

it was torture. (save for the Nordstrom's a mere 20 minutes away...and Baja Fresh, oh and Rubios, and let's not forget In-n-Out Burger...I digress.)

For a weather-phile, such as myself...

There is something amazingly comforting about waking up to...

skies drenched in the color of putty,

grass soaked in the droplets of the tears of God,

trees swaying in His breath,

quiet, save for the sound of the laughter of my children.

My greatest gift.

Pet peeves...

well, since I'm on a roll and published FIVE, count 'em, FIVE posts to our family blog, I figured I'd go for an even 6 and be a complete smart *ss on this one.

Here it is, peeps.  My top ten pet peeves for the year 2012.

1.  "Who is this?" responses to group texts.
Why? you ask?  BECAUSE if you just look at the bloody "from" line, you'll see that a whole mess of people recieved the message and chances are some of the people that respond will be people you DON'T KNOW.  Get over it.  (Jeff, this was for you.  LOL)

2.  Rude shoppers.
What, you ask, is a rude shopper?  It is a person or persons who walks right in front of you without having the *bleeping* courtesy to acknowledge your existence, much less say "excuse me."  Clearly, some people just have NO manners.  (And since I have drilled manners into my children since they were BORN, I am clearly NOT one of those people.)

3.  Unreturned phone calls from professionals.
IF you are a professional who advertises a service and I leave you a message requesting a return call regarding something I wish to have done, CALL ME BACK.  Even if you don't want to do the work for me, CALL ME BACK.  It's rude and unprofessional, therefore it makes you NOT good at your job.  And I promise, although I will tell A LOT of people if you are good, I will tell even more if you are RUDE.

4.  Appliance repair people who don't bother to show up or call, then act surprised when you are completely P.O.'ed.  Enough said.

5.  The School Nazi.
The majority of my friends outside the homeschool community are teachers.  If they don't questions my decision and fully support it, what gives you, random stranger, the right to question it.  Bugger off!

6.  The Big Family Nazi.
Not everyone in America wants or wanted 2 or 3 kids.  Some of us are crazy enough to have a few more.  Yes, we know how it happens, yes we love our kids, yes we are done, NO it's not any of your business.  And yes, I would have had more if I wasn't so ADVANCED in my maternal age.  (another pet peeve...)

7.  Rude salesclerks/customer service people/receptionists.
It's your job, you are not doing me a favor and I am not a pain in your patoot.  DO YOUR JOB WITH A SMILE.

8.  Verizon Wireless.
Enough said.

9.  My dad's complete and utter lack of computer and smartphone literacy.
I love ya, Dad, but seriously, you are the smartest person I know and that little phone/computer just beats you every time!

10. My inability to be so organized that I pee on a schedule.
Quite frankly, it's just annoying that I have to interrupt my day to pee.  I'm far too busy for that and it would be much easier if I could just schedule in potty time and stick to it.

Once again...I am here for your entertainment!

Merry Christmas!!
Tiff

Birthdays should not make you cry...

but this one does.

I got pregnant with the M-n-M's a little less than a year after our son died in my belly.

That little stick made a plus so quick...I knew something was different this time.

An ultrasound at SIX weeks....the tech says, "both babies look great!"

I'm sorry..."WHAT?"

Six weeks later I'm sobbing in my driveway as I say good-bye to my husband.

By the time he comes home I'm so big I can't sleep, eat or breathe. But there are 2 healthy babies in my belly, just waiting to meet their daddy & mommy & sisters.

By the skin of their (as yet non existent) teeth & one mommy meltdown, they meet Daddy just 5 days before he leaves again.

A move to Maryland when they were 4 months old....

one busy daddy, one stressed mommy...one lonely Charley...one sweet Eva...and 2 very sweet babies.

3 more moves, 1 more sweet baby, 1 more deployment...

and those 2 surprises are 3. years. old.

And I'm crying because all I want for their birthday is for my Marine to jump out of a damn box somewhere. I want to feel his arms around me, see his entire face light up when he sees our children, I just want to hear him sing them Happy Birthday. I just want to see the unbridled joy on their faces when they see their Daddy.

And I know I can't give them what they really want for their birthday. I can only give them as much love and snuggles as my heart will hold. I can thank God for the sweetness of my Eva & Charley... who have been making cards all week...planning parties...imagining gifts...wishing for Daddy. And just making Mommy feel like they've got it all under control.

Which is really good. Because I absolutely don't. I just want to postpone the whole thing until the other half of this unit is safely home on American soil.

My husband is my heart, my soul, my anchor and my best friend. And I just can't imagine celebrating 2 of our miracles without him.

But I will. Because I do. Because we all do. Military wives. It's what we do. We just have to keep going forward...knowing that eventually the other half of our hearts will be home. We just wish, with every fiber of our being...that it was right now. this moment.

Charles....we miss you and we can't wait to celebrate all that we've missed...with you. Because there is no other way to celebrate. Not without you.

In 9 minutes, our twins will be 3. No longer babies...not quite big kids...but in the sweetest, softest, smooshiest stage ever.

I cannot wait for you to see them. Hurry home, love, hurry home.

love,

clanmacmama

It has a name...

Cognitive Dulling.

It.

makes.

my.

brain.

dull.

For the security of knowing I'm on an even keel, I seem doomed to sacrifice the pieces of me that make me exactly who I really am.

Uh, did that actually make any sense to anyone but me?

I should probably elaborate....

One of the medications used to treat bipolar disorder is called Trileptal. "On-label," it is an anti-epileptic. "Off-label," it is used widely to treat bipolar disorder. (I'm guessing most of you who read this know I'm a certified wacko, but for those of you who don't, I am considered bipolar II.)

Let me reiterate from previous posts...I DO NOT think I can fly, I DO NOT think I am someone else, I DO NOT hear voices in my head (well, maybe just a few...) I DO have a lot of emotional bungee cording that is frustrating and a lot of chaos in my mind that makes my type A personality SO MUCH worse as I try to offset the chaos in my mind with order in my environment...

To get to the point, I take Trileptal. It makes me a little more sane, a lot less fun, a lot less creative and a whole lot less able to write "easily."

I have always loved to write. It just kind of makes me a little more normal, a little more grounded and a lot more relaxed.

Well, I just can't do it very well anymore. I struggle all the time to just get a few sentences, let alone a full on post on a weekly basis like I used to.

Next point...last doc appt, as I complained once again to my shrink about my inability to "be me," i.e. write, be creative, think outside the box...He finally informed about something known as "cognitive dulling." Apparently, it's a phenomenon experienced by many patients on these types of meds. Needless to say...it explained a lot.

Last point. I find it extraordinarily annoying, disheartening and altogether a pain in my **s.

So, what to do, what to do?

And the praying begins.

Can you say some for me too? The writer in me would sure appreciate it. :-)

with love,

clan mac mama

I should probably not homeschool...

or parent...or do anything at all.

when. my. husband. is. deployed.

I should hole up in a cabin somewhere in the woods, far far away from all other living things that I could possibly damage with my own mental mud while my life is upside down.

I read an amazing post tonight...www.goodmorningvietmom.com

I cried.

I smiled.

I laughed.

And I realized, with a clarity I haven't experienced in, well, a ridiculously long time, that this woman knew exactly how I feel. How I will feel when Charles is finally here...10 more trash days from now.

She knows that I feel not like 2 parents, but only like 1/2 of one. Because when one is gone...the one who is left is not really there either. The one who is there is...

exhausted.

checked out.

emotionally bereft.

doubting every choice.

second guessing every word uttered.

guilt ridden for yelling.

wrung out from crying over the guilt.

also...

so attached to my children that I hate being away from them, but desperately crave just a few moments of calm...

and when I get the calm, my heart is so full, so joyous. I want it to go on forever and wish with all of my soul that I could capture the joy and replay it over and over for the one who is missing it.

humbled when my sweet almost 3 year old stops me in my yelling tracks to tell me she loves me and gives me a kiss.

humbled when my friend, the temporarily single mother of a special needs child (who gives of her time and heart to my twins every single week for several hours...) tells me what a great job I am doing.

grateful when my friends (really, they are my family) come over for dinner or invite my motley crew over to destroy their homes and screw up their kids bedtimes, just to fill my heart and my kids' souls with some extra love.

rejuvenated when I'm surrounded by amazing women who all struggle too, but still share their hearts and faith with me.

tired, so tired, because I just can't bring myself to go to bed without my other half.

so thankful when a sweet friend who has so much on her own plate helps with my many littles and gives my bigs an afternoon of unfettered fun and a bit of learning too...

filled with laughter when my equally beleaguered friend and I decide we should star in a new TLC series titled "Poop Wars..."

thankful for the neighbors who have become family and always come to my rescue at a moment's notice...

appreciative, with every fiber of my being for my family. For the time they take to travel, to help, to support and to lift us all up. It is not always easy or fun, but they are here every chance they get. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You!!

finally....so blessed to be a part of this community of amazing Christian people. What WOULD I do without the blessings God has rained down. Here. In this place.

Well, I guess I probably should homeschool and do all the other things God called me to do...since He has a much better plan than I could ever dream of. If I'd just get out of His way, He'd have the chance to do great things in my life.

He says...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I know, with my heart, that this too shall pass. I know that my kids are great. I know that I am blessed. I also know that I am stubborn, strong willed, impatient, cranky and moody. I just hope that isn't what my kids remember. I hope this deployment fades away into the recesses of their memories, overcome by the times that are, were and will be, amazing.

So...to steal a phrase from our coins and use it for my own selfish purposes...

In GOD I Trust.

Do You?

with love,

clan mac mama

Is it possible to be grateful for Poop?...

I thought to myself as I was observing the pile of poopy underwear awaiting my attention tonight. Apparently, it is.

Almost 2 months ago, during my last sporadic post, I swore I was going to post one thing per day I was grateful for. Well....I don't actually remember writing that post, so I can't be held responsible for forgetting, right? And, anyway, I'm here now. Grateful for poop.

Now that I have your attention...

I know you are on the EDGE OF YOUR SEAT, wondering what the H*ll I am thinking.

I'm not really sure, if you must know.

I just know that when I was getting ready to throw myself a pity party over the 10 pair of undies I need to rinse and the fact that I had to clean nastiness off both my sons multiple times today in PUBLIC, I just felt like I should be grateful. That they had clothes to wear. Food to eat. A roof over our heads. A paycheck. Education. Family.

That I had them to clean poop off of.

I gotta tell ya, it's hard not to live in a pity party when your husband is half a world away and your'e the temporarily single mama of 5 little beans. Some days, I'm in the penthouse suite of the pity party. Other days, I'm SUPER HOMESCHOOLING FORMER MARINE TEACHER MOM, ready to leap piles of crap in a single bound, teach with my eyes closed and little people underfoot, whip up a dinner (not frozen...) and not shed a single tear or down a half bottle of wine to make it all better.

And, well, I guess I didn't want to turn 40. Well, I take that back. By the time it rolled around, I was actually pretty laid back. It was the 6 months leading up to it that had me in a tizzy. I know it's just a number. I know 40 is the new 30 . I know my kids will keep me young. I also know that there is SO MUCH I still want to do. SO MUCH I haven't finished. Guess I better get moving, since I'm apparently half dead now.

HA.

I celebrated in style...with old friends, little kids and some really great food.

So here's to turning a Fabulous 40. Kiss my grits, 39. 40 is WAY better.

Still kickin' it and crazy...

love,

tiff

Type A...

go away!

Who can possibly be this type A? Who can possibly only ever see the thing that is not right...not just so...not the WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE?

Well, I guess that would be me.

Me. That lady with 5 kids who are great. A really nice house. A great husband. Lots of blessings. All of which I see and am truly grateful for. SO, WHY WHY WHY am I such a debbie downer half the time? Do I have any idea how blessed I am? Yup. SO, again...I ask: Why can't I just be, um...content?

My Mom and I dissected this tonight and we came up with a few possibles. None of which I care to share. Suffice it to say I have issues. Ones that truly need some resolution. Is it possible to become a squiggle if you're really a square?

Man...I'd really love to be a squiggle.

How exactly does one become a squiggle from a square? Should I de-alphabetize my spices? Jumble my clothes so they are not in color/sleeve (or pant...or skirt) length order? Unschool my kids? How exactly does one RELEASE the pressure valve that type A seems to have me under?

I've GOT IT.

I'm moving into an RV. In a warm climate. With no yard.

Crap, that won't do it. My hair would NEVER be clean with that crappy water pressure. And what would I do with all those alphabetized spices?

Ok...plan B.

I am going to post one thing every day that I am grateful for. One thing that God has blessed me with.

Starting right now.

I am grateful for this house. Every square inch of it. Grateful. Grateful. Grateful.

type a, checking out for now...

clan mac mama

Writer's block + insomnia=

a very sad mama.

sassy and a smart a** i used to be...

then i lost the biggest part of me...

my brain has left me in a tizzy..

the words just fly & make me dizzy...

the only thing that I can pen...

are these silly, nilly....

well, stink. I can't even rhyme that one!

This is REALLY irritating. I can't even find a funny way to write about my littles. HELP...HELP...HELP...please return my brain to sender if you find it in your box....

I DON'T get the flu...

so what the heck is this sick business I've got going on here? On day 2 of the flu and it just makes me crazy to be stuck here on this stupid couch, staring at the mess around me...and I don't even feel like cleaning it up.
We have 4 weeks until the hubby leaves and there seems to be no end in sight for the piles of junk that need to be dealt with. The school room...the junk off the deck...the school planning...the wills...the POA's...
And my poor husband is perpetually exhausted and overwhelmed. I wouldn't blame him one bit if he was looking forward to the deployment just so he can get a little rest.

We need a vacation. Alone. Most of the time, we forget that before the clan mac, it was just Tiff and Charles. And yes, I love my life, I love my kids and I'm SO grateful for the blessing of them in my life, I just don't want to forget the blessing of my marriage.

Here's to praying for a smooth 4 weeks.

Clan Mac Mama

I just deleted all my unpublished drafts...

as a punishment for whining.
So, WOW. I was really in a snit there for a while. It must have been such a joy to be in the presence of such LAME-O WHINING PESSIMISM.
Funny story. I've been emailing my friend T about homeschooling stuff. Curriculum, planning and all that business. My blog is attached to my email and lots of my friends click the links to catch up. Well.....I forgot that during the lame-o pessimism phase I bashed my math curriculum. More than once. Actually, a lot. Oops. BIG LOL.

So, here's the deal. My husband deploys in 5 weeks. For 8 months. I, wacko woman with 5 kids, will be flying solo. So I guess I'd better put my big girl panties on, yank 'em up and get ready. (This does not, however, mean that I am not begging for visitors. You try spending 8 months as a homeschooling, cloth diapering Mama of 5 in a house too big to keep clean. The guest suite is complete, make your reservations now.)

Get this....I am actually excited about my school year. :-) I'm grinning, planning, brainstorming and clearing the cobwebs out of the mommy brain. Last year I was terrified, pissed, leaking milk, worrying and waiting for other shoe to drop...Thank you Jesus for flicking me upside the head and opening these eyeballs. I'm still learning how to ignore the dust, the piles and the phone, but I'm not giving up and I'm learning to love the little years.

Because if I don't? I'll miss it...all the innocence that is theirs, the pure hearts that are God's greatest gift, the unconditional love and the sweet cuddles of childhood.

As for now...I'm off to relax with the spousal and parental units. I love staycations. Casa De Lewis...5 stars!!

Love,
clan mac mama

just burst into tears...

when I stopped my Army Wives playback and was greeted by the special news report that Osama Bin Laden is FINALLY off this earth, burning in the fiery pit of HELL.
I cannot begin to imagine the relief this brings to those who have stood in harm's way in support of the hunt to bring an end to the terror he has caused. I cannot begin to imagine the joy in the hearts of those who have been suppressed and terrorized by his efforts. I can, however, tell you that this is the first time EVER in my life that I have burst into tears of joy when I learned of a death.
Thank you Lord.

Semper Fi to my brothers and sisters still fighting.

With Love,
Tiff

8 things to never say to a homeschooling mom...

1. Oh. Aren't you worried your kids will be weird?
Uh, no. Aren't you worried your foot will never come out of your mouth?

2. Oh. I could NEVER homeschool my kids, I'd just go crazy.
Um. What exactly is it you're trying to imply? Actually, I am certifiable, so I'm already there.

3. Wow, you're a better person than me! I'd kill my kids if I had to spend all day with them.
Well..... I do want to kill them some of the time. I just drink a lot of wine... Ok?

4. What, did you think you could do a better job than all those teachers?
I AM a teacher, thanks. Who do you think taught all these kids to eat, sleep, play, pray, and NOT act like they were raised by wolves? And by the way, have you taken a look at my college transcripts? The ones that have straight A's, multiple scholarships and published scientific articles and creative writing awards? Stuff it, smarty pants.

5. What, exactly, do you do all day?
Teach my kids. duh. Well, that and wipe butts, clean stuff, cook, run errands, drive the Mom's taxi, yell, read...

6. Are you one of those God freaks?
Sure am. Gosh, are you one of those satan freaks damned to eternal hell? Let me know what it's like there in your firepit.

7. Do you get a big tax break for that?
Nope. Why don't you write to your congressman and our esteemed leadership and let them know we wouldn't need one if they'd quite wrecking our school systems with their ridiculous "accountability" legislation, budget cuts and all the other things I think stink.

8. Are you CRAZY?
I believe I already addressed that one. You betcha. Just ask my husband, Kristina and Cassie. They'll vouch that I'm wacko.

Ticking...ticking....ticking....

clock.
uh oh, here is another dirty sock.
the hours of the day flew by
so briskly i often want to cry.
for in those tiny ticks of time
my littles morph like climbing vines.
the sweetness of the days is lost
amongst the chaos of all that is tossed.
i yell, pell mell, and change many a pant
until i am just too numb to rant.
i wish to collapse like a sack of beans
i am quite simply out of steam.
i long for hours spent reading rhymes
with no distress about the time.
i wish to take the road that is spent
loving my littles with no regret.

with love,
clan mac mama

A crossroads...

has presented itself to me. Either that or I've finally reached the blow point and now I'm standing at the crossroads, thinking I'd better pick a road or I'm gonna wreck...

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. Robert Frost

Have I chosen the road less traveled? You betcha. Is it easy? Not on your bloody life. Will I turn back and take the other? Can't tell ya right now. I only know this. I want the end of that poem to mean something to me. I want so badly to embrace this less traveled road. I want so badly to embrace this life, let it flow, learn to love the moments, good and bad. I want to stop resenting my choices and somehow accept that this is the life God planned for me. I love my children SO much more than I ever dreamed I could love another little human bean. And I'm watching it whizz by, like the paper on microfiche in a library reader, so fast...and I just want it to SLOW DOWN, just give me the time to iron it all out.
Please wait for Mommy, little macs. I just need a little time.

The dangers of living large...

1. You simply cannot find half of the crap you own.
2. You simply do not remember half the crap you own.
3. You simply do not need half the crap you can't find that you can't remember you own.
4. You simply cannot afford to spend 3 1/2 hours searching for a very small package of math crap that you must have to implement the ridiculously complicated math curriculum that you just had to have to make your homeschooling life oh so much easier.
5. You simply do not have the time for this crap.

CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP (said while banging head against wall while throwing random toys...but only at walls you haven't paid your painter to redo yet...)

Let this serve as a cautionary tale...

cut the crap.

HA.

clan mac mama

I hate days like this.

Days when I didn't get up on time...can't seem to get my head out of my proverbial behind...wonder WHY on EARTH I am homeschooling...crave the quiet that I never seem to get during naptime...am certain that I'll never get this house to feel like home...am overwhelmed just by life.

I often wonder what in blue blazes God was thinking when he decided 5 was my number. FIVE. CHILDREN. UNDER. 8.
I also wonder what He was thinking when He decided that I should feel called to homeschool those FIVE. CHILDREN. UNDER. 8.

Some days I am SUPERMOM. I keep the house clean, feel like I've kept my kids from being illiterate and uneducated, spent some QT with the littles, made dinner, did laundry AND I'm sitting by 8:30. (really, I only have one of those per quarter...just thought I'd mention it to remind myself that I have something to look forward to.)

Most days I am slugging through, trying to ascertain if I will ever get it together. If I will ever start using that completely overwhelming math curriculum I ordered in a fit of overachieving supermomness. If I will ever actually REALLY use the fabulous homeschool planner that stares at me from it's dusty spot on my desk. If I will ever get to work out again. Go on playdates with my littles again. Go to the store on the fly without having to call an army of helpers to watch my kids or go with me.

This life is a blessing and I know it. I just wish I could figure out how to make the most of the blessings. How to get things done. How to actually implement all my fabulous ideas. How to rewind the clock and build a different house. One that didn't feel like an uphill battle to live in. I really never thought I'd long for the days of renting or base housing. But really? Right now, I'd give my left arm to not be responsible for one nail in this wall. I really think sometimes that I'd rather be stuffed into 1800 sq feet and have a savings account and free weekends.

Aw crap. I'm whining. Yep, I know it. Yep, I know it doesn't really do a dang bit of good. But I'm gonna do it anyway.
THIS. DAY. IS. GETTING. ON. MY. LAST. NERVE.

Someone, anyone, send the supernanny. or any nanny. or anyone at all.

I think I'm suffering just a little bit of predeployment jitters. Some moments of Sh*t, seriously? I have to do this ALONE for almost 8 months? There isn't enough valium in the WORLD for that.
And I'm just irritated at myself right now for wasting this day, for deciding that I'd homeschool with FIVE kids and for having the attention span of a gnat.

That said, I guess I'll go pop frick and frack into their beds so they can jump and play for 2 hours and stress me out by not napping and I'll attempt to educate the bigs AND hopefully, I won't forget about Sam.

Hope your days sucks less than mine.

Clan Mac Crabby Mama