is a facetious little punk. It's like the devil running around with a hot poker, zip, zap, hit you with a slap...
It can manipulate thoughts, change relationships, color what we think of ourselves and what we believe others think of us.
OH, how I've struggled such a very long time to overcome that demon.
OH, how miserably I've failed.
And lately, I seem to be constantly at the mercy of what I feel those perceptions are.
Really, I shouldn't give a flying crap. (now...that's a visual...) And sometimes I really just don't, but mostly, I'm just like everyone else in the world and I do care.
Could be my struggles in this last year. My emotions ache much like a raw wound, healing and scabbing over just a bit at a time. My protective shell has crumbled into itty bitty pieces and I'm still trying to find my way again.
Sometimes I think it's the complexity of female relationships.
Other times I think it is growing up in a VERY small town.
Mostly I think it might be this.
I've come back to the place I fell apart. On one hell of grand scale. Where I became someone I didn't know, someone I despised. A parody of all I didn't want to be.
So much has happened in the 10 years since I last lived here. I don't think there is even a tiny shred of that woman left. Well, maybe one tiny shred.
A tiny shred that leaves such a gaping wound. A gaping wound that doesn't allow me to truly believe in myself. To trust completely in the Lord's plan for me and for my family. A tiny piece that still pushes me to invest myself in relationships that aren't healthy, productive or affirming. That always seems to push me back into the belief that the judgment of others far outweighs the purpose for which I'm here.
Well, I guess I could just stop overanalyzing it and finally decide to post this stinking ramble.
Ah, I bet you are sitting at your computer, hunched over like the rest of us with the terrible posture that would make my Nana poke you in the back...wondering why on earth you should read my ramblings. I've got only one answer for you...in view of the fact that I happen to be a bit of a wackadoo, my musings can be your evidence that you are completely normal, thus relieving you of the fear that you have gone loco. Leave that part to me. Oh, and I love to use the thesaurus, as I have an affinity for elocution and a deep seated, albeit odd obsession with grandiose language.
So dig in and be prepared...